It's funny how one little thing can shake you to your core. Tonight on my way home from work there was major traffic from an accident. The accident was in a spot that is a known bad intersection between my house and my moms house. I had just talked to my mom on the phone about 20 minutes before, knowing she was at home. But as I was passing the scene of the accident with at least four cop cars, three ambulances and three fire trucks, I glanced and saw the car in the middle of the accident that was completely obliterated. The entire top half of the car was gone. There was probably not anyone left out of that car still alive. The car was a dark green Lexus. My mom drives a dark green Lexus. Immediately I picked up my cell phone to call my mom. She didn't answer. She ALWAYS answers her work number. I then dialed her cell phone, honestly I couldn't even process the thoughts, I just talked to her she is probably at home fine. As soon as I heard her sweet melodic voice, I started bawling. The thought of maybe having to live in a world without my mother...I couldn't handle it!
I am so grateful to have her living close to me and be in my kids lives and be an even better grandma than she is a mom! She is such a sweet and loving mother and the thought of not having her in my life literally made the tears just start falling, I didn't even have time to process. I know I come from a long line of over exaggerators, maybe its PMS, but just maybe it's God.
Tonight as I rushed about grocery shopping, I got a little frustrated with my little man as he was talking a mile a minute about nothing that had to do with or really even interested me. I was rushing to put groceries in the cart because the store was about to close. Then I got to thinking there was a time that we didn't think he was going to live. He was on a ventilator in VANDY PICCU and here I am getting frustrated because he wants to ask me a bazillion questions instead of pack the bags as fast as I want him too. I guess maybe I had a pity party for a moment, even still as I got home frustrated that I am a single mom, just barely making ends meet. Kind of stressed, working almost 50 hours a week just to put food in the fridge and gas in the car. I have a roof over that fridge. I have a warm bed. I have a car. I have a fridge fully stocked with healthy foods. I have a teenager who loves to make me playlists, especially ones I have dance to when he is not around. I have the sweetest baby boy who loves loves loves to snuggle and watch movies with me. It's one of our favorite past times. I have spent many a night lying in a hospital bed with him, answering his little questions to life and wondering why God gave me a child that has to know the meaning of Neutropenic and why he has to get stabbed with needles monthly.
Then sometimes when I am at Vandy and I see kids that have obvious health issues, in wheel chairs or require breathing tubes or feeding tubes and I silently offer God many many thanks that my baby looks normal. No one would know by looking at him that he has had over twenty surgeries, many blood transfusions, two broken bones, a freaking TRANSPLANT, many many rounds of chemo, more biopsies than I can count! He is a walking scar, or a chick magnet.
But yet he is healthy, he is sweet, he has the heart of gold. I know God has special place in his life. I know that the book of James tells me that God gives us trials and tribulations so that we can grow stronger. I sometimes wonder if God thinks I should be made of Gorilla Glue or something because I should be strong enough by now ok God??? HINT HINT! I hold my breath every time he has a fever. I get a lump in my throat every time I see the school calling me, worried that he is going to catch something life threatening that his body won't be able to fight.
I don't understand why God would give Jonah the healthiest body ever, the kid has never broken a bone, never had blood work, never spent a night in a hospital, besides when he was born(or to sleep by Gavin’s side). Why Jonah feels so angry. Maybe towards his feelings of resentment towards Gavin being sick. Maybe it's Gods punishment because I haven't gone to church in almost six months. Maybe it's Gods way of continuing to prove a point. A point that he loves me even when I might not feel like loving Him. He cares for me even when I don't care enough to set the alarm to get up early on a Sunday morning. He is a God of Love even when I am filled with anger for having to put up with crap that I feel like He could have changed.
This started out as a blog to remind you to hug your moms. Kiss your sisters, love your brothers. Call your Dads. Write letters to your grandparents. And for Pete's sake hug your kids. But I think It turned into my free therapy. Well I'm paying for it in lack of sleep, because I have the longest day ever tomorrow! But I love you all, if you are in my life, you are there for a reason. Don't let the sun go down on your anger and please please please trust your intuition, learn from my mistakes or make your own, but know that He has a plan, whether we are grateful or not. So I choose to be grateful!
Peace Love and Blessings. Namaste.