Sunday, September 21, 2014

An Angry yoga teacher...

I don’t know why there is a such stigma with anger. I guess as a yoga teacher I feel like I am always supposed to preach love and acceptance to my yogis. I have also seen what bitterness does to people and I guess I kind of lump bitterness and anger together. But after going through the worst breakup of my life (even worse than my divorce because at least that I saw coming). After the initial shock and boohoo blubbery crying and eating beer and ice cream for dinner (ice cream with melted Nutella, whipped cream, and peanut butter chips no less and beer in the bottle not in ice cream ha ha) after not eating all day because the only emotion I felt was sadness- no hunger) then came the anger.
I was so mad that he could give me a anniversary card (our one year) two weeks before that said “Everything about you is amazing and I couldn’t be more in love with you and I can’t wait to wake up to you every day” to breaking up with me. There were NO SIGNS. He was telling me every day he loved me, calling me baby being affectionate etc.  He told me he was confused and didn’t know what he wanted and that the idea of marriage terrified him. I told him I know what I wanted so he needed to figure it out. I don’t need to be married any time soon, but it would be nice in the next year or so, and he said he doesn’t even know if he will be ready in a year. I also told him I am not waiting on him to figure it out. Not that I am going to jump into dating again, but just that he needs to get his emotional health in check. For his sake.  He was in an unhappy marriage for 14 out of 17 years. Even though he thought I was perfect for him, he said he couldn’t have created a more perfect woman for him. WE NEVER FOUGHT ONCE, both had two boys, both were affectionate, both loved watching superhero movies and coffee and yummy beer, I know those are all little things but in the past 10 years of my being unmarried I have not found that) he was terrified of that feeling of being stuck with someone that was hateful and mean and degrading and all of the things his ex wife was. Even though I NEVER was any of these things he just wasn’t ready. We started dating WAY TOO SOON. He should have had time to breathe, and be alone after moving out. I get that. Even then when he told me he had just moved out, my first instinct was to run. But he swore he was ready to date, ready to be happy. They had lived in separate beds/bedrooms for a year, so I thought that was enough space.  He had been so unhappy for so long. So I ignored that instinct because I thought I finally found my Prince Charming. He was and still is amazing. I know he needs time. The man THANKED me for LETTING him rub my feet on our third date. His ex wife would not let him touch her. He was so attracted to everything about me and constantly told me how great I looked. (Which I am not used to! My ex husband wouldn’t bat an eye at the way I looked in anything lingerie or all dressed up.)  It was so hard to go from being the HAPPIEST I have ever been to my whole life, whole future being ripped out from underneath me. He hasn’t had the joys (BAHWAHAAAA enter sarcasm here) of dating and meeting all kinds of crazies and going through holidays alone. I think he needs to feel that and see what it is like. So learn from my mistakes people! So this evil angry monster how do you fight it? How do you use that anger and to fuel you in a positive way? Well when I posted on FB that I was angry I got lots of people saying its okay to feel that way. I guess I was just worried of becoming a Bitter Betty. I don’t want to be jaded against all men. And really he was better than ALL men that I have dated in the past TEN years. He honestly was the only guy to make it to one year. I am not picky. I just want a man with morals, and a man who pays his bills on time, and a man who is affectionate. The rest I can work with. He was all that and some. I had finally found my end to the crazy dating of this world. Finally found my someone to wake up next to. My someone who sends ‘Good Morning Beautiful” texts.

So you can see how I became angry. I was blindsided completely. Not being used to this anger, wasn’t quite sure how to deal with it. I am a happy go lucky positive person most of the time. I was actually accused of being too agreeable once. HA. Is that really ever a problem? I was raised by parents who I never saw angry honestly. So exploring different ways to deal with it.  So I poured myself into working out, and of course crying A LOT.
I remember once after my ex husband got beat up (long story-short version he was in a band that was not a hard core band playing at a hard core event and he and his entire band got beat up by a bunch of straight edge kids in Utah) they were all so badly hurt they had to drop the tour and come home. A day or so after I walked in the door and he was curling a 25 pound weight dripping with sweat and says, “You think it’s wrong to work out out of vengeance?” kinda funny now. But he let his anger fuel his work outs. Honestly now I think I am past that anger. Maybe. I texted him that I was mad at him and let him have it. But I need to move on. To put myself first. To feel those feelings. Not harbor and let them fester. The day after he broke up with me I took a personal day because I was so distraught (and had plenty of vacation time) So I cried and cried and cried. Punched pillows. Talked and talked and talked to all my friends and coworkers who kept asking me how I was. And now I can talk about him without my eyes welling up. How can I be mad at someone who gave me the best year of my life? Who showed me what a real love, real affectionate relationship can be like? I have been in his place before where there is nothing hugely wrong with the other person but it just doesn’t feel right, and it’s hard to just pull the plug, you gotta weigh the pros and the cons. So I can’t really fault him for not giving me a heads up. If he did, it would have happened sooner.

I had a friend (from here no less!!) Brittany, that sent me flowers and the note had this quote: Don’t be ashamed to weep.‘Tis right to grieve. Tears are only water, and flowers, trees, and fruit cannot grow without water. But there must be sunlight also. A wounded heart will heal in time, and when it does, the memory and love of our loss is sealed inside to comfort us.” Brian Jacques. It is okay to cry. Tears are healthy.

My friend Tracy posted this Maya Angelou quote on my FB “Bitterness in like cancer, it eats upon the host. But anger is like fire, it burns cleans.”  Have you ever seen a field that has been burned? They burn the crops to have it grow back in fuller. ( Here’s a good description of why : It’s more vibrant and healthy.  Starting over fresh and new. So as much as I want to be mad and bitter and grumpy I need to move past those feelings and know that even anger is a gift. I want to be mad that I am 37 and still not found a man. My ex husband has been remarried for 9 years. I feel like I have wasted time, and I need to stop. I need to know that I don’t need a man to have a life, I can have one on my own! It is hard around the holidays because I don’t have any family here. It’s just not the same being with friends, I was really really looking forward to spending the holidays with him and his family. So instead of wallowing in that I am spending Thanksgiving in Chicago and Christmas in California. I will move on and I will participate in the Tough Mudders with or without a man. I challenge you to feel the anger and move over with that fresh field. Don’t let it eat you up. Don’t let the way others treat you keep you from living a full and and amazing life.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Elleanor's Bear.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? I do. Everything. Except for stubbing your toe, I see no reason for that except maybe finding a table in the dark. But I digress.
I have had a series of life events that when they happen I know immediately it’s God ordained. It’s not just chance or a fluke thing.  This may be a simple thing and you all may think “Naw thats just a coincidence!" But to me it’s just a constant reminder that God is watching me and he loves me even If I don’t go to church or pray as often as I should. 

My grandma Elleanor worked at a department (Weinstocks-what is now Macy's) store years (around 1960-70) ago in the Curtain/upholstery section. The store went out of business and she was able to keep all the sample books. So she has hundreds of swatches of fabric that are bright velours, fuzzy velvets and quirky 70’s patterns. All are small rectangles with paper trim on the back and ring holes for the binder. Well Grams, being the frugal crafty lady that she was kept them for YEARS. She always planned on doing something with them but could never decide on what to do. I remember always loving to look at them when I little. Running my hands over the red velours wanting to make something out of it but scared to ask for the fabric. Well when I was visiting her last she told me to go through and pick out some that I wanted. So I did, I set some aside (she has HUNDREDS) and she took it upon herself to send me those ones I set aside. Well when I received them I was thrilled, felt like as her granddaughter she knew I would do something with them, something that she never did. She always wanted to but didn’t know what. Mind you she was always busy with her roses or building a compost or crocheting, I've never known her to sit still. Even now at 95, she plays games, crosswords etc…you cannot slow her down. So last week my grandma had a mini stroke and a mini heart attack and had partial blockage on her heart she was going to need an angiogram and possibly a stint put in. I was upset. Sad I lived so far away. Feeling sorry that I hadn't caller her more often. Sad I haven’t seen her in the past 4 years (I live in TN, she lives in CA, the flights are usually around $400- on a cheap day) sad her little body might not be able to handle surgery. Her little 104 lb body that the she will argue with if you say she weighs otherwise. She weighs 104!  So I was texting my older sister Becca (who is my grams caregiver) and she says "You can FaceTime her if you want and see that she is going good!" I was in bed, with faced washed (READ:no makeup!)  and eyes puffy because I had been crying worrying about my grandma. Becca says “Julie you will see her she is doing good, there’s nothing to worry about!” So I had a blast FaceTime-ing with her, one of the first things she said was “I saw you on the Facebook” lol LOVE HER.
Oh and “ Why do you keep scrunching your face up like that it’s not attractive!”  And I walked about the house and showed her some of the things that she has inspired me to do, surrounding myself with things I love, and a collage of mirrors just like she has! While I was talking to her I told her about giving my friend Jennifer who has an Etsy boutique ( HERE!!! ) some of her fabric swatches. I had given Jennifer the fabric and I swear 4 days later she posted pictures of a beautiful teddy bear she made with Grams fabric!! After that fabulous FaceTime call,  I pulled up the pics of the bear that Jennifer made (to send to my grandma) and realized that she had picked butterfly fabric. I burst into tears. Again. When I was little my grandma had this giant poster of butterflies and all the grandkids would color on them whenever we came over. Grams had butterfly magnets,  butterfly mugs and t-shirts. She loved butterflies. What are the chances that my friend who has never met my grandma would pick a fabric that might as well have had grams name on it???  I felt like was God’s way of saying Grandma’s going to be ok for a while longer.  At Peace. Now to plan that trip out to CALI!!!!

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Silver linings and the power of words

So I've been thinking a lot about the power of words. More so the power of someone's impact on you with a simple phrase.
I've become a part of the Facebook group that is literally one of the best thing that is ever happened to me. All of a sudden I'm surrounded by people that are picking out the best qualities in me an pointing them out to me when I'm never seen them before. People I don't even know are telling me good things about myself.
Even though I'm at one of my highest weights,I feel amazing. 
I feel loved even from strangers far away.
I can't even remember what life was like before them -only I know it wasn't this good. Think about how when someone gave you a compliment that really meant a lot.  How you were kind of flying high for a while and it just made you feel really good. What if we all did that all the time to our kids? To our spouses? To our parents?
What if instead of griping about the bad drivers and griping about expensive GMO laden foods what if we just talk about what we're grateful for? 
How about every time you see someone you give them a complement in person or on Facebook! I know this world would be a better place if everyone spewed out complements faster then you can complain. I have friends that I consider Debbie downers I have  hidden them from my feed. I choose to surround myself with positive, happy people 
On the outside I may look like I have it all together, but I assure you I don't. I could point out all of my negative flaws but there's no reason to. I'm choosing to only see the good in me and my life.
You were put on this earth to make someone else's life better!
So how are you doing with that and what have you done lately?
Pick out the best qualities in the people that you love and tell them all the time every day- pick different things!!! You know what? You might pick something that they never saw and you could change the entire way they think about themselves. Power of positivity is life changing!!! I've had people ask me how did I get through my son being sick ( he's had a heart transplant and cancer twice and multiple bouts of pneumonia) how did I handle that? They say things like " I could never be as strong as you!
I chose to not let it define me to not let it ruin my outlook on life. I chose to be grateful for my child able to be in one of the top 10 hospitals in the USA! 
We have cardiologists that celebrate birthdays with us! Like literally walked into the doctors office with the candles on cupcakes! 
Sure I could be bitter about the fact that my ex-husband has been remarried for eight years and I have barely come close to marriage.
I could be bitter about the fact that I can barely pay my bills.  But I have a good job and coworkers that love me and hug me daily. True story. I have two amazing boys who love me even though we don't always get along. Who still hug me and humor me.
I have an ex-husband has paid child support on time every month for the last 10 years. That's more than most single moms get. I also get along really well with his wife and I know for a fact that's rare these days. 
I have family that loves me even though only one of them live in Tennessee. I choose to see the silver lining I believe that every crisis has a silver lining. You may not see it at the time but later we can look back and feel blessed. So try spouting out complements, pick the positive qualities-see the good be the good, and love with your whole heart!! You will see your life change. I promise.