Just another single Mama...: Practice and all is coming...Pattabhi Jois

Just another single Mama...: Practice and all is coming...Pattabhi Jois: "In my quest to over come my procrastination it took me a long time to figure out what that quote meant. Soon after I started teaching yoga o..."

Practice and all is coming...Pattabhi Jois

In my quest to over come my procrastination it took me a long time to figure out what that quote meant. Soon after I started teaching yoga on a more regular basis, I went from teaching 3 classes a week to 5-6 times a week things started to slowly fall into place. Adding more Yoga practice in my life made the little things work out. I think I am still on the way up, In fact I know I am. I am slowly making some changes in my life, just simply by just taking the time to do the things I know I need to do. Cook at home more often. Eat out less. Spend less. Play less Words With Friends er watch less Jeopardy... Watch less TV, spend more time jumping on the trampoline with my boys. Go to bed earlier. Get up earlier. Leave earlier (see a theme here?) I hate that I am a procrastinator. Becoming a yoga teacher was one thing I didn't procrastinate on. For years I searched for an affordable yoga teaching certification. When I found the one I went to (YOGASTEPS) I got right on it. Sure there were little things I might have procrastinated with but once I started the school, little things in my life slowly started to fall into place. More yoga class teaching opportunities opened up, and I started meeting more people in the yoga community and felt more secure in my ability to teach. To make that jump from learning to practicing to teaching was huge for me. I am still waiting for all these little things to slowly fall into place even more. Call it fate, destiny, God's Will, what have you. The very first YOGASTEPS course I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was right where I needed to be! I know that everyone is a work in progress, and that Rome wasn't built in a day. My Chatarunga won’t be perfect. I won’t be able to be all the things to all people all the time. I am not Superwoman. Or Even Super MOM. I am just a single mama trying to get through the day. I won't just outgrow being a procrastinator over night nor will I always be on time. Hopefully baby steps will get me to a place where I don't have to say "I am running late" or "I should've done _____!"fill in the blank. Dr. Phil says people have a pay off, a reason why they do things like forget spouses birthday etc. I only have a pay off of making myself cranky, making my co-workers cranky,snapping at my kids, by it just makes my life more stressful when I am late and procrastinate. So all that to say, I am hoping that the addition of new yoga classes to my life and concentrating on myself more rather than out searching for Mr. Right Now or Mr. Right I will just be content to be Miss In the Moment.

P.S. How do you overcome your procrastination? Is it possible? What made you want to change?

Counting them.

My Blessings...
It's funny how one little thing can shake you to your core. Tonight on my way home from work there was major traffic from an accident. The accident was in a spot that is a known bad intersection between my house and my moms house. I had just talked to my mom on the phone about 20 minutes before, knowing she was at home. But as I was passing the scene of the accident with at least four cop cars, three ambulances and three fire trucks, I glanced and saw the car in the middle of the accident that was completely obliterated. The entire top half of the car was gone. There was probably not anyone left out of that car still alive. The car was a dark green Lexus. My mom drives a dark green Lexus. Immediately I picked up my cell phone to call my mom. She didn't answer. She ALWAYS answers her work number. I then dialed her cell phone, honestly I couldn't even process the thoughts, I just talked to her she is probably at home fine. As soon as I heard her sweet melodic voice, I started bawling. The thought of maybe having to live in a world without my mother...I couldn't handle it!
I am so grateful to have her living close to me and be in my kids lives and be an even better grandma than she is a mom! She is such a sweet and loving mother and the thought of not having her in my life literally made the tears just start falling, I didn't even have time to process. I know I come from a long line of over exaggerators, maybe its PMS, but just maybe it's God.

Tonight as I rushed about grocery shopping, I got a little frustrated with my little man as he was talking a mile a minute about nothing that had to do with or really even interested me. I was rushing to put groceries in the cart because the store was about to close. Then I got to thinking there was a time that we didn't think he was going to live. He was on a ventilator in VANDY PICCU and here I am getting frustrated because he wants to ask me a bazillion questions instead of pack the bags as fast as I want him too. I guess maybe I had a pity party for a moment, even still as I got home frustrated that I am a single mom, just barely making ends meet. Kind of stressed, working almost 50 hours a week just to put food in the fridge and gas in the car. I have a roof over that fridge. I have a warm bed. I have a car. I have a fridge fully stocked with healthy foods. I have a teenager who loves to make me playlists, especially ones I have dance to when he is not around. I have the sweetest baby boy who loves loves loves to snuggle and watch movies with me. It's one of our favorite past times. I have spent many a night lying in a hospital bed with him, answering his little questions to life and wondering why God gave me a child that has to know the meaning of Neutropenic and why he has to get stabbed with needles monthly.
Then sometimes when I am at Vandy and I see kids that have obvious health issues, in wheel chairs or require breathing tubes or feeding tubes and I silently offer God many many thanks that my baby looks normal. No one would know by looking at him that he has had over twenty surgeries, many blood transfusions, two broken bones, a freaking TRANSPLANT, many many rounds of chemo, more biopsies than I can count! He is a walking scar, or a chick magnet.
But yet he is healthy, he is sweet, he has the heart of gold. I know God has special place in his life. I know that the book of James tells me that God gives us trials and tribulations so that we can grow stronger. I sometimes wonder if God thinks I should be made of Gorilla Glue or something because I should be strong enough by now ok God??? HINT HINT! I hold my breath every time he has a fever. I get a lump in my throat every time I see the school calling me, worried that he is going to catch something life threatening that his body won't be able to fight.

I don't understand why God would give Jonah the healthiest body ever, the kid has never broken a bone, never had blood work, never spent a night in a hospital, besides when he was born(or to sleep by Gavin’s side). Why Jonah feels so angry. Maybe towards his feelings of resentment towards Gavin being sick. Maybe it's Gods punishment because I haven't gone to church in almost six months. Maybe it's Gods way of continuing to prove a point. A point that he loves me even when I might not feel like loving Him. He cares for me even when I don't care enough to set the alarm to get up early on a Sunday morning. He is a God of Love even when I am filled with anger for having to put up with crap that I feel like He could have changed.
This started out as a blog to remind you to hug your moms. Kiss your sisters, love your brothers. Call your Dads. Write letters to your grandparents. And for Pete's sake hug your kids. But I think It turned into my free therapy. Well I'm paying for it in lack of sleep, because I have the longest day ever tomorrow! But I love you all, if you are in my life, you are there for a reason. Don't let the sun go down on your anger and please please please trust your intuition, learn from my mistakes or make your own, but know that He has a plan, whether we are grateful or not. So I choose to be grateful!
Peace Love and Blessings. Namaste.

Food Coma? More like FOOD obliteration! Don't mind me while I am channelling Chris Farley!

Why oh why must you freaking hit me once a month you mother of all carbs overload?? Today alone I have eaten Oatmeal,coffee,candy, chicken pot pie, pita and turkey, yogurt, more candy, Southbeach Bar, whole wheat pasta and veggies and 2 oats and honey bars and a hot chocolate. Holy Mary Mother of God! Why don't I just get some cottage cheese out and start spackling it on to my thighs, cause thats where it's all going!! That's all as you were.Move it right along people nothing more to see here. Don't mind me, Just eating my feelings. Going to bed before I start finding something to smother in peanut butter.

Operation Becoming MEAN, er feisty!

I have been told more than once that I am too nice. I am getting to a point now in my life where I realize the whole definition of insanity is (doing the same thing over and over again)truer words never spoken! I have realized that there comes a point that I am not going to keep being so nice that I get taken advantage of. I am going to quit being so nice that I feel guilty saying or speaking my mind for fear of hurting ones feelings. Maybe I am more of a people pleaser than a NICE person. Or both. I dunno. Either way here and now things are going to change. No longer will I keep doing those insane little things like responding the crazy ex' texts, better yet I just blocked his bahookie. It felt very empowering.

I saw a lady on Dr. Phil one time that kept going to the same hairdresser for over ten years even though she hated her haircuts because she was afraid to say anything. I know I am not that bad! But then again, if I keep reverting to the same things because I am afraid to just speak my mind because it might hurt someone’s feelings, does that make me any different? Why am I such a people pleaser? I am thirtyfreakingthree years old gosh darn it. I need to just STOP giving a rats arse what other people think, and maybe just maybe hurt some feelings, if the time and place calls for it.


I have done a few things in the past few weeks that I wouldn't say were necessarily mean but they were not in my usual "nice" girl demeanor. And boy does it feel good. I am too old to keep doing the same mistakes, or reinventing a new version of the same mistake. It's a New Year, time for new me, new mean me...Or just a feistier version!

Anyone that has some suggestions and insights as to not being afraid to speak my mind and saying what I mean and mean what I say, I would love to hear it! I am excited about what 2011 has to offer. I have some exciting new things up my sleeve and I can tell it is going to be a good year!

Chivalry is not dead yet...or is it?

I specifically remember when I was a teenager, my dad saying "Always let the guy open the door for you, that's what he is supposed to do, you step back and let him open the door." I remember thinking like most teenage girls did of their fathers, that he was old fashioned at the time. It's funny because boy do I notice it if a man doesn't open doors.
I am pretty sure every girl loves to be treated like a princess whether she admits it or not. To an extent of course, I don't need a man doing every little thing for me. No girl wants a doormat, a guy who does every little thing for her and a "Whatever you want dear!" with no opinions of his own.
I am perfectly capable of climbing up a ladder and hanging my Christmas lights or putting stuff in the attic, or mowing a lawn. Or lugging groceries in the house. Or even using a level and a power drill (which my friend Cara taught me how to use! GIRL POWER!) hanging a picture on the wall.

I was at a book store one time and I held the door for the people coming out behind me and one right after another people just kept going through without a) saying thank you or b) taking the door from me. After about the fourth guy that walked through, I thought this is redunkulous! So I slowly let go of the door. What happened? It slammed (all solid 75 or so pounds of hardwood) BAM right into a guys forehead! I felt horrible, but at the same time I kinda felt like, that's what you get, dude for letting a girl hold the door open for you and all of your friends...
I was on a date one time where the guy held my car door open as I was getting into the car. Right next to us there was a younger couple in their early twenties or so, and the girl looks at her boyfriend and says "Awww!!" and she looked sad that he wasn't doing the same for her. The guy looks at us, gave a little eye roll and laughed and walked over to her door and opened it for her too. She smiled all big and we laughed. It was funny how my dates chivalry inspired them. It should be like that every time, at every age right? I cook, I clean, I do dishes, I grocery shop, I fold laundry...so sometimes it's nice to be treated like royalty every now and again, and not like everyone personal assistant. Even if it's just to be dropped off at the door of the store to skip having to get rained on, or simply just having a man help me put on my coat. It is the little things that us ladies notice. Even a full on feminist would enjoy a door being held open for her. She might never admit it, but she does. I think it's the least men can do, after all the PMS and child birthing pain we have. Not to mention menopause. Guys, just think of it this way, every door you open for us is one less head we bite off less snippy comment or look of death from us. It's a two way street. At least in my book. I can be super cranky and when a man or "my man" does something as simple as lifting something heavy for me or even something as banal as just taking my plate to the sink for me, it slowly makes me feel appreciated. If I was ever in any bit of an "icy" mood, those little things slowly chip away that iciness. When guys do little things like that for us it makes us want to do more for them...it's a win. What do you girls think? Agree? Disagree? I want to know!?!?Comment away!

Intuition...

Intuition is a funny thing. I think it's something that appears strongly after one has kids. Mothers intuition. Mine has failed me a few times, but for the most part when I went with my gut feelings even when there was no medical evidence to support my initial feeling and then later my gut feeling proved to be right. If I could only give my dating life intuition the same attention as my mothers intuition. I mean take my date last week. Why did it take me telling my friend all the gory details of said dudes personality and once I said all of the things I was concerned about out loud realized that dude was not my type, kind of obnoxious, kind of rude, kind of perverted. And why oh why did I think I owed it to him to meet him and make sure in person that maybe there was one sliver of a chance that he wasn't the initial jerk I thought he might have been. I went. I was insulted more then once in the first 15 minutes, and if you know me, you know that I do not get offended easily. I couldn't have wrote that Dear John letter soon enough. In the past I might have dated the jerk for a while before coming to the realization that he was too much of a jerk and not enough nice guy, all the while making excuses for his behavior. But not anymore. Now it's just not worth my time. Right now the only thing that is worth my time, is my boys and my yoga practice. Speaking of which gotta go study, got a full day of YOGASTEPS Dristi tomorrow.

Namaste and

I wish for you a lifetime full of correct on the spot right on intuition that you don't ever ignore!!

How are people meeting these days???

I won't do it. I refuse to get on an online dating site again. NEVER! Cross my heart hope to die, meet a man before I cry. I have had lots of dates from the internet, but in all truthfulness, in the past 8 years I have had in the very least 30 dates a year and in all 8 year combined, I have had a whole less then 10 dates that were from plain old meeting in person, friend of a friend etc...So if I refuse to meet a man on a dating website, and I rarely go out to bars, lately it's been like maybe once a week(which is way more than normal), and that's to the same old haunt and really what are the chances of meeting my future husband in a bar?? At the risk of not sounding desperate, HELP!!! How are people meeting these days?? Everyone at my church is married, at the gym all the guys have head phones in, and even when I make eye contact I don't get that feeling back...guys want to work out, not get oogled in the gym right? I've been told some guys can be very imtimidated and that they won't approach a a pretty woman...but come on!! What's a girl to do? I've been told the old adage "Once you stop looking you will find him." So I am stopping. Except at the gym. And church. That's it. Promise. Cross my heart hope to die, kiss me kiss me, before I cry. Thoughts? Suggestions?Love?

Gavin

My baby. Sweet little thing. He has a story. A HUGE story. Where oh where to begin?? He has his own website. He doesn't even know anything about it. LOL. I was given the website by Vanderbilt Children's Hospital as a means of keeping our family and friends in the loop on what was going on with Gavin in his treatments. It was awesome, and I used it. Everyday I would write in the online journal. It kept me sane. I wrote all my innermost thoughts on there. Here is the link if you feel so inclined to read about what a mom deals with when her son is sick.A lot. Keep in mind that the website was way before there was Facebook and cool blogs like this one. If you don't feel like going there I will do a recap.

Gavin was born a normal healthy baby boy on April 7, 2001. We did not know anything was wrong with him until he was 6 months old. He caught a virus, but his condition (Cardiomyopathy) could have been caused by a virus or he could have been born with it, and it just took 6 months to show up. I took him to the Pediatrician three weeks in a row, and they kept saying nothing was wrong. 2ND week, they said he had a virus, nothing to do but give him Tylenol, one week and a whole bottle of Tylenol later, we were back at the Doctors, this time they did an X-ray and sent us to Vanderbilt. We were told that night, that he had Dilated Cardiomyopathy (which means enlarged heart)and that his heart was the size of a 17 year old males! We were also told he could need a heart transplant. They said they would give him drugs to hopefully shrink his heart. Eleven days later he was put on the heart transplant list. The medicines made him feel better, and his heart had not got any bigger, but had not gotten any smaller either. Nine days later he got a heart! Ten days later we were sent home, the day before Thanksgiving. He has done well after his transplant, only hospitalized twice for flu (just to make sure there was no rejection) and for routine tests, biopsies etc... He was doing fine until May 2004.He had been complaining of his belly hurting for a while, but it was never enough for him to want to take anything for it, or to lay down. We took him to the Doctor, first time they could not find anything wrong, second time, he was pale and dehydrated, so they sent us to Vanderbilt Children's hospital. After Cat scans, and ultrasounds and a lapropscopic (sp?) surgery and a myriad of tests he was diagnosed with Burkitt's Lymphoma. It is caused by the drugs he was taking to keep his body from rejecting the heart. There are only 4 or 5 different kinds of medicines he can take and they all cause cancer.

In 2006 Gavin was in pre-k and excelling well and loving it. All of the sudden we noticed his little nose started point up on the end. He looked like little Cindy Lou Hou from The Grinch who stole Christmas. I would touch it and squish it, and he would say " Mom stop it doesn't hurt" but I knew there was something wrong, it felt spongy. Not like normal cartilage of a nose should feel. We called the doctor and they sent us to a Ear Nose and Throat specialist. He did all sorts of tests and said yes it was our worst fear. CANCER. A fast growing cancerous tissue. The closest name to it they could come up with was Large diffuse B cell Lymphoma.

When Gavin was about to go into surgery, I asked him if he knew what they were going to do. He said" They are gonna go in there and get the Kleenex out!" I said "You put a Kleenex up your nose?" and he said "No! You said I had a fast growing tissue!" Out of the mouth of babes.

They did a biopsy and went in under his lip (from inside his mouth, there was no scarring visible from the outside) and scraped out as much as they could. Since they would have no way of knowing if they got all of the cancerous cells ,we still had to do chemo. Gavin had about six months of out patient chemo, which was way easier then the first round of cancer. He had a port put in (which is also called a central line, a more permanent IV for kids who are going to need lots of blood drawn and chemo etc..It keeps them from having to keep getting stuck with needles.) and we would go to Vandy once a week and they would hook him up to chemo, and he would get a infusion of chemo and then we would go home. Gavin was such a flirt, he would flirt with the nurses, and he really didn't have to much after affects. His hair thinned a tiny bit, and the doctors said he was not allowed to go to school, just so he wouldn't catch more illnesses.

Gavin always will get sicker easier then the rest of us. He also keeps the illness a lot longer then us. Has has had Pneumonia almost every winter since his heart transplant. Twice he was on a ventilator from complications to Pneumonia. Last February was one of the first that he did not get Pneumonia.

As one could imagine having a child that has had a heart transplant, and cancer twice, pneumonia too many times to count, it takes it toll. I live in a fear that every time Gavin gets a fever, that its his body is rejecting the heart. In fact we have to call Cardiology every time he gets a fever higher then 100.2. Sometimes I feel like we are sitting in a ticking time bomb just waiting the hear the bomb explode again, "Your son has cancer, or pneumonia, or fill in the blanks." I have an older son Jonah that has never broken a bone, I think maybe had blood drawn a whole 3 times in his life. Gavin has been stuck with more needles than you can imagine. When he first came home from the transplant, he had to get blood drawn twice a week, to check for levels. Until he was a year, they would draw blood out of a vein in his head! This is a normal procedure, hard to see, which is why they would not let parents be in the room when they did this. When he hit one year, they would draw the blood out of his legs or arms. It wasn't unheard of for them to try 5 or 6 times before they found a vein. Chemo shrinks your veins, and the poor baby barely ever cries now when he has to get blood drawn.

For now Gavin is healthy. He has to have a heart cath on June 15th 2010. Which it is considered "routine" but when they are taking a piece of your child's heart out, its never routine!

If you are interested in reading more about Gavin, I journaled almost daily while he was in the hospital, it was my sanity, there was lots of pictures posted and day by day updates.http://home.gofetch.org/home/gavinblack

The quest to find my Mr. Bad-Boy-Nice-Guy....does he even exist?

I don't get men. Boys. Whatever they are...They say they are looking for Ms. Right. But then they email me with shallow I only wanna get laid things like and I kid you not in a second email (and the first being nothing but "Beautiful") was -"What are you doing tomorrow, you me, your house, bottle of wine and the NCAA tourney!" Really???? WTH?? That's what frigging sports bars are for, smart one.


Or the "I just wanna snuggle" guy. Yeah sure. You just wanna snuggle. Uh huh. I believe ya.

Then there is the "I have way too many girls on my Facebook bad boy", who likes me, but just not enough. And deep down I know he is too much of a bad boy, not enough nice guy in him. If there was enough nice guy in him, he wouldn't have answered his phone and texted people (and by "people" we know its women who he still keeps in the running’s ) in the first 15 minutes of our second date.

I know there is no such thing as the perfect man. But really I only have a list of about ten things. About five of those ten things, are non-negotiable. Like No drugs, no prior jail time, no history of violence. You know the usual, decent hygiene, belief in God, yada yada. The rest are things I can, will and have dated outside of my” usual" preferences, knowing that men aren’t perfect. Like dating men who are 5 foot 10, or just too close to the under 6 foot mark. Yikes. Or bald. Double yikes. Not that I have anything against the follically challenged or vertically challenged (going all pc on ya) Or who wear Rustler jeans on a regular basis. I didn't know they still make those. I think all school bullies wore those. I am not a snob. Really. I just know what I like. He doesn't have to wear Tru Religion jeans or anything and as a side note, I refuse to date any man who wears Affliction, Ed Hardy or anything of that sort...because we all know Jon Gosselin started that douche-wearing- style.No thanks.

Enough about fashion and back to the nice guy. He's awesome. Been a bachelor for way to long, but still knows how to treat a woman. Could use a little tune up in the beard/hair/wardrobe, but nothing that a shopping trip or barber couldn't’t fix. In the words of my mother, when she showed me picture of a man she wanted to date a man who had a molest-stache (thanks Robert!) or the TomSelleck Stache and I quote my mom: "But that can be removed!" in a super happy voice. Speaking of removing the molest-stache, I actually had a man shave his molest-stache for me. I didn't ask him too, and he didn't even get a date. Poor man. Back to Nice guy.  I have dated enough losers to know that this guy might be worth hanging in there for. I guess the whole he had been single for so long kinda scared me away. But with a little help from a friend and pink roses :-) i did it...I took the plunge and we've been together for 3 months now...It took me 3 months to edit and publish this post! Geeze! I am a happy woman, happy to be done dating losers.